70pounds-HairLoss-ClosetPurge

Hi there.  I haven't forgotten about you, faithful blog followers.  Time has simply continued to elude me and even now, I only have a couple minutes but wanted to give you a quick update.

• I've lost a total of 70lbs!  I honestly cannot even comprehend that number.  55lbs to go to goal.
• I am losing hair at an alarming rate.  I was told to expect this around the 4 month mark, but I honestly was not at all prepared.  Thank goodness I have always had a full head of thick, healthy hair.  I can't imagine how I would deal with this otherwise.  I have been taking Biotin supplements and today I purchased some Nioxin shampoo/conditioner.  I hope this stops soon.
• I have been buying clothes, shoes and accessories like it's my mother truckin' JOB!  I can't help myself.  It's SO.MUCH.FUN to get dressed when things FIT! (and look halfway decent)  Because of this, I decided to purge my closet of everything that was a Plus Size or any number with an "X" behind it!  This was surprisingly emotional.  I had a hard time getting rid of some things and I don't exactly know why.  I did it anyway because I am most certainly not.going.back!
• I am strongly considering getting botox in my fore(FIVE)head and between my eyebrows.  I am so expressive with my eyes and when I laugh that I have deeper lines than I am comfortable with and now that I actually give a crap about my appearance, I am not going to look older than need be.  Vain?  Hell yeah.  I feel like it's no different than getting my nails done, hair colored, etc.  Just trying to make the best of what I've been given.
• Loving Chipotle for lunch these days.  I get one little taco with nothing but pinto beans, cheese and meat (protein, protein, protein)  So good and cheap too! 
• Summer seems to have arrived here in Northern CA and soon I will be going to Vegas for a girls getaway.  BATHING SUIT!  Not as scary a proposition as it used to be, but still....*shiver*
• This blog isn't the only thing that was neglected in April.  I also neglected the gym.  I need to get my ass back there A.S.A.P.
• I also want to write about how people kind of treat me differently lately but I'm out of time....

Soon, my pretties.  :)

I'm a size WHAT??

THE SHOES!!!  You want to sleep with them too!  ADMIT IT!!

The dress I ended up buying.

I woke up this morning thinking yesterday must surely have been a dream.  It was an exciting day for our family as my Sister, Tara had her first fitting for her wedding dress.  This will be Tara's first wedding and we have all waited a long time for this day.  She is engaged to a wonderful man who treats her and my Niece, Leeann like gold and we couldn't be more thrilled for all of them.  Tara has decided against having a traditional wedding party so I wasn't planning to try on any dresses as I am not in the wedding.  All of us went to the Bridal store to see Tara in her gorgeous gown.  My Mom, my Sister In Law, Yanci, Leeann, Morgan and I.  When Tara was finished we started looking around for a dress for Leeann when I came across a dress that I liked.  The sample dress was a size 14.  I thought I was probably a size 16 but I was wearing size 18 jeans that were admittedly too big even thought I bought them only a few weeks ago.  I figured I would try on the 14, and it wouldn't zip up but we could kind of get an idea.  Morgan helped me into the dress and I kept saying, "Don't force the zipper!  It will rip!"  So, she didn't.  She just zipped it half way up and I walked out and looked in the mirror.  Then, the salesgirl came over to ask how we were doing.  I said I liked the dress but it was hard to tell because it wasn't my size.  She walked behind me and zipped it right up and said, "You're definitely a 14!"  I still wasn't convinced.  I said, "No, I think this dress must just run big."  Next thing I knew, she was grabbing me another dress in a size 14 and a bra, shoes, and jewelry.  A couple minutes later she was twisting my hair into an up do and to my absolute shock and amazement the second dress also fit.  WHAT KIND OF MAGIC TRICKERY WAS THIS?!?!?!?   I am a size 14?!?!?  I skipped right over size 16 and I am a size 14!!  There are still 5 months until the wedding so I ordered the dress in a size 12 and was told they can alter it down another 2 sizes if need be.  That would make me a size EIGHT.  I cannot even fathom that.  If someone tells me I am a size 8, I might hump them right in the middle of the store.  I bought the dress, the shoes and the bra and it came to about $200 for everything, which wasn't bad.

Confession:  I probably would have bought it no matter what the price was because I felt like it made me look skinny and my Mom's jaw was literally on the floor when she saw me.  My Niece kept looking at me dumbfounded and saying, "Auntie Deana...you seem so SMALL AND TINY!"  Note to self:  Keep that kid around!!!!  I really loved the first dress but the bra options weren't great with it.  My friend, Alison commented on my Facebook that God's gift to me through all this was allowing me to keep "the girls" despite the weight loss.  I don't know how much of a gift that is.  I am STILL a "D" cup and I would really like to be a full "C".  The second dress looked great with the strapless bra and I am IN LOVE with my shoes.  Like, I want to sleep with them.  (Not like THAT, sicko!)  They are so gorgeous, I feel like a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills when I wear them.  (But not Kim because she is crazycakes, and not Taylor because her HUGE lips bug the shit out of me.  Maybe Lisa or Adrienne.  Or Kyle, because she has a hot husband...but I digress)  Being able to wear sexy shoes is so thrilling for me because I could hardly even buy shoes before.  I felt like every shoe I put on made my feet look like sausages.  It was horrendous.  Now...I can buy any shoes and it's the MOST exciting thing ever.  My wallet may not find this news to be so exciting, however.

Okay, so here are some pics!  COMMENT, would ya?

For reference, the day I left for surgery THREE MONTHS AGO

The first dress !!!  63lbs down

Onederland

Well, I'd like to say I am blogging to you from my yacht in the South of France, but alas, I did not win the Mega-Millions.  I heard on the news that my odds were better to be attacked and murdered by a vending machine!!  I am not certain how I feel about that.  It's been 3 months today since my surgery and I can't believe how good it feels to see a number "1" as the first number on the scale.  I feel like it took me forever to get here but in reality it hasn't taken long at all.  The best feeling is that I am half way to my goal weight!!  Sometimes I feel like the little engine that could, just chugging along.

I've heard most people advise not to weigh yourself every day, but I do.  Every.single.day.  I get out of bed, pee, take off my jewelry, hair ties, and anything else that might weigh a fraction of an ounce and step on.  There have definitely been days that the scale hasn't moved, but I don't let that frustrate me.  I know it will.  I just like to know when it does. 

I was warned by my surgeon and others that I would experience some hair loss in about month 4, but it has started already and I recently started taking a Biotin supplement that is supposed to help.  The jury is still out.  On a positive tip, my BMI was 49 at my heaviest weight in October and today it is 36.5.  I'm shooting for under 25.

I did a Zumba class on Saturday morning.  The last time I tried Zumba I was 60lbs heavier and please let the record show that I did not have to call 911 as I thought I might have to do last time.  It was fun, but I really don't think they are going to be calling me to do "Dancing with the Stars" anytime soon.  My hips don't lie, people.

Total weight loss to date:  60.4 lbs.   Booyah!

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words....

Sometimes I wish I had taken more photos before the surgery.  I was so humiliated every time I would see a photo of myself, I would either delete, destroy or crop the hell out of it before I allowed it to exist in this world.  Right before the surgery I realized I would want to have some before/after shots so I allowed a few to be taken.  The difference is amazing to me.  I don't even feel like that same person.  Check it:

Another shot of me before I left for the Hospital the morning of surgery

This was taken as I left for the hospital 01-03-2012.  I had already lost 15lbs at this point.

My Sister and I immediately following the surgery.  Look how huge and swollen my face is!

Last week during my workout.  56lbs down. 03-24-2012

Obviously I haven't lost any weight in my boobs!  JEEZ!

Not the most flattering shot of my stomach but I definitely can see a difference in my legs.
03-26-2012

Thanks for sticking with me on this crazy journey.  Much more to come!
xoxoxoxox

Smoke and Mirrors

So much to say and not much time to say it.  The past few days have been a whirlwind.  Thursday I had my follow up appointment with my surgeon.  My weight was down 8lbs from the last visit last month.  He was pleased with my overall progress and my total weight loss of close to 60lbs.  I don't have to go back now until June.    On the way back from the appointment, my Mom and I decided to stop at the mall and she probably felt sorry for me in my "clown pants" so she bought me a couple pair of jeans, several shirts and a workout outfit.  I don't know why I've been putting off buying clothes.  I guess one reason is because I didn't want to spend $60 on a pair of pants I was only going to be able to wear for a month.  Luckily, we went to Forever 21 and their prices are SO reasonable.  I will definitely be doing a lot of shopping there until I get to my maintenence weight.  My jeans are super cute and they were only $13.00!  Crazy.

My Mom was cute though because she kept bringing me things to try on that were DEFINITELY not my size.  I kept saying, "Mom, I don't take that size!" and she would say, "I think it will fit.  Just try it on.  You look so TINY now!"  Smoke and mirrors, Mom.  Smoke and mirrors.  I've gotta admit though, it's pretty cool (and very foreign) to be referred to by anyone as "tiny"!!  I do realize that this particular compliment came from my Mom, and let's face it, I am no where near tiny...but still!

Thursday night was, for lack of a better term, a cluster-fuck.  I only got about 2-3 hours of sleep for reasons not necessary to go into here, but suffice to say that I looked (and felt) like I had been run over by a semi when I came to work on Friday.  My Boss was out of town so I needed to literally "look alive" and get things done.  Thankfully, the day was productive and I was able to get through it.  We had dinner plans with close friends that evening and I wasn't about to reschedule as we had planned it over a month ago, but I was looking very forward to calling it an early night and hitting my tempurpedic pillow.  Alas, best laid plans sometimes go awry and who was I to argue when my BFF called with free box seats to the Lady Antebellum/Darius Rucker show that night in San Jose.  We had an early dinner with our friends, then Terry picked me up about 7:45 and we drove to San Jose where we enjoyed premium parking and our own luxury penthouse suite.  The concert was good and when my head finally hit the pillow at about 1:00am, I thought I had died and gone to heaven....until 8:30am came in what seemed like a milisecond and I was up again to meet Terry at the gym.  We worked out for about an hour, I came home to shower and was back out the door to head to Morgan Hill to celebrate my Niece's eleventh Birthday.  My Sister made an amazing lunch/dinner.  Parmesan chicken, pesto ravioli, salad, garlic bread, cupcakes (!)  I ate a tiny bit of everything and a super tiny bite of a cupcake.  So far I don't seem to have a problem with sugar if I only eat one bite of whatever it is.  Like one M & M, for example.  Who eats ONE M & M?!?!  ME, that's who!  And let me tell you, when you don't eat sugar anymore one M & M is quite the delicacy! 

After we left my Sister's, I was home for about 2.2 seconds before I was off again to pick up Terry and head to the Crows Nest to celebrate the Birthday of the lovely Leilani.  Our friends, the Billy Martini Band were performing that night and it's always a good time.  I saw a lot of people who I haven't seen in awhile.  It's always nice when people notice the weight loss and I really appreciated the compliments.  I was feeling good that night (in clothes that actually fit..bonus!)  Needless to say it was another late night.  It's difficult when I am at a bar or in a party atmosphere to stick to drinking water only.  I'm not a big alcohol drinker, but sometimes I just kind of want to have something else besides water.  Even juice, but I didn't dare because of the sugar content.  I can't have anything carbonated, so diet soda, or even pellegrino is out.  I got over it, but it is one thing I miss.  I slept like a baby Saturday night and didn't wake up once until about 9:30 Sunday morning. 

Yesterday, I learned some upsetting news about a friend of mine that I met at my Support Group a few months ago.  He is having some health issues and Jason, if you're reading I just want you to know that I am saying a prayer for you to have a good outcome and back to 100% soon. 

I think I need a weekend to recover from my weekend!  Oh, and I am STILL 2.8 pounds away from ONEderland.  C'mon scale...cut me a break, would ya??

Weigh to go....(before and after pics)

Last night I wrote a highly entertaining (if I do say so myself) and lengthy blog post, complete with loads of before/after pics and as luck would have it, my computer decided to freeze and shut down in the middle of it all.  Bother.  So, I am going to give this another try:

First, some news:  I let the lovely Melissa cut bangs for me.  I was resistant to bangs for the longest time because I think they make me look like I'm in 3rd grade.  After surgery, I started noticing that the skin on my face, which has always been, for lack of a better word, "plump", was suddenly quite loose.  Some mornings I would look in the mirror and think "Sweet Mother of Pearl! Where did those LINES come from??"  Especially in my forehead!!  Exhibit A:

See the wrinkles?  ACK!  I mean, c'mon!  I know I am on the eve of the "Silver Anniversary of my 21st Birthday" but this is ridiculous!  Until I work up the nerve to get some botox, wrinkles are the question and BANGS ARE THE ANSWER!!! 

In other news, I have not worn my original wedding ring for about 10 years for a multitude of reasons.  Yesterday, at work we were discussing wedding rings, so I dug mine out and was completely shocked to see that it fit.  It hasn't fit in years!  Not only that...it's actually loose.  Exhibit B:  (notice the bangs!)

I am FIVE lbs away from ONEderland.  I really want to reach this goal by next Thursday, since it's my next checkup with my Doc.  I plan to step up the workouts this week and I think I can get there.  I leave you with a VERY embarrassing and scary BEFORE pic (this is big for me to even post this now...because I am absolutely mortified that I ever allowed myself to look like this)   Exhibit C & D:

And, here is the most recent full length pic of me taken this week.  55lbs down.  When I look at the difference in pics, I can't even believe I am that same person.  What an amazing ride this is.  I am so grateful that I have been given this opportunity.  Exhibit E:

Adding Excercise...

If you know me at all, you know I am not a fan of "excercise".  Generally, I only run if I am being chased and even then it's more like a fast skip-hop.  I joined the gym in October and in the beginning I tried to go fairly regularly but at that point, I still had what amounted to a 54lb of concrete still on my back, (and hips, thighs, legs, an abdomen) so working out was not as easy as one might think.  I mainly stuck to aqua aerobics and I actually enjoyed it until the weather got too cold.  Then, my surgery happened and I was so focused on trying to get the food part down, I didn't get serious about the working out portion until recently.

When I first signed up at the gym they gave me two complimentary personal training appointments.  I liked the trainer fine and he showed me how to use all the equipment and then basically I was on my own.  I didn't see the value in Personal Training at that time since it is quite expensive and it seemed like something I could do on my own.

I had been planning to start getting serious about the gym once Daylight Savings started.  About 10 days ago I got a phone call from a trainer named Sean.  He said he hadn't seen me at the gym for awhile and would I like to come in for two more complimentary training sessions.  I decided to stop making excuses and do it.  I am so glad I did.  Since that time, I have had three sessions and I have another scheduled for tomorrow night.  I absolutely love it!  <---  Someone better check my temperature because I would rather hang upside down by my toenails than ever actually look forward to working out!  Sean is fantastic.  He knows how to push me in just the right way.  I went today at Noon and it was the best workout yet.  We go for a solid hour and it is difficult for me but I feel like I really accomplished something when I am done.  If I can do this, anyone can!  I definitely see the value in Personal Training now.  It's very expensive but I am going to try to see if I can get Terry to join me for some Buddy Training.  We both get an hour that is specifically designed for our individual fitness levels and we get $30 each off per session.  If not, I am going to have to sell a LOT of freaking insurance to pay for this, but I am looking at it like I can't afford NOT to do it.  You know?  I am not drinking a $4.00 latte and eating a $3.00 bagel every day anymore.  I am not eating out to lunch very often.  I owe this to me.

I have lost 54lbs now.  I am 6.4 lbs away from my next goal.  I am 66lbs away from my ultimate goal.  My BMI is down more than 10 points and I am feeling good.  Now, who wants to take a water zumba class with me on Thursday nights?

2 month update: Jan 3- March 3. Holding steady

Terry reminded me last night that it was exactly 2 months ago that I had my surgery.  It seems like a lifetime ago. Since I hit the 50lb lost milestone last week I seem to have hit a plateau and haven't lost anything more.  I have an appointment tomorrow night at 5pm with a Personal Trainer at the gym and I am hoping that will jump start things again.

Last night I went to see a favorite band of mine.  I was able to dance the whole night without feeling tired or overly hot, or having my feet and ankles hurt.  That was nice for a change.  It's an absolutely gorgeous day today so I think I am going to get outside and enjoy it instead of being the lazy bum I would really love to be today.  It's been awhile since I got home at 2am and I'm kind of fighting off a sore throat so I wouldn't mind being a complete slacker today, but I don't want to waste the sunshine.

Yesterday I did a Costco run and I bought a few things that were high in protein that I can enjoy.  I really have to get more serious about getting 60g of protein in per day.  I eat protein with every meal but I must admit that I've been lazy about counting the grams and I don't think I've been getting 60.  I did buy some greek yogurt frozen bars that have 10 grams of protein and are low in sugar.  I also bought some breakfast bars that are 15 g of protein and only 3g of sugar.  They are peanut butter/chocolate, but I'm not that crazy about them.  They kind of have a weird aftertaste, but I guess I am just going to have to deal.  It's so weird to me still how nothing food-wise really rings my bell anymore.  I did have some chile lime skirt steak the other night.  I had the tiniest piece but it tasted fantastic.  I guess I got so excited that I either ate it too fast or took too big of bites and of course, it got stuck.  I spent about 30 minutes in total misery.  The pain and the panic when something gets stuck is not something I would wish on anyone.  It's awful.  I tried everything.  I finally had to throw up as much as I could and wait for the rest to go down.  It's really my own fault.  I know better. Another lesson learned the hard way.

A special shout out to all of you who continue to show support and encouragement as I navigate my way through this new lifestyle.  I am 9 lbs away from my next goal.  Onward and Upward....

Week 7.5: This is what happiness feels like

Just got home from a great weekend. Went to a nice resort recommended by my Sister, who has stayed there a couple times.   I expected the weather to be cool according to the forecast, but I was delighted when I arrived about 2pm and it was 75 degrees!  Unfortunately, I didn't really pack accordingly.  I was wearing jeans and Ugg boots!  I thought about buying something but I was certain I wouldn't be able to find anything to fit me.  To my surprise, I was wrong.  I was able to get a cute little (?!?) sundress and it FIT!  And....wait for it because this is important....it was NOT a plus size!    Oh happy day!!!!

I was pretty proud of myself for being able to navigate thru the food choices I was faced with this weekend.   I had one small bite of a chocolate covered strawberry.  I also had about a 1/4 glass of wine.  For lunch, I had one tiny piece of  fish, (without the breading) and instead of fries, I ordered edamame. (protein, protein, protein).  I went to a wonderful restaurant last night in the hotel and ordered crostini (I had one small piece w/roasted garlic, goat cheese, olive tapenade and artichoke hearts)   I will post a pic below of me before I ate it.  It's funny to see me with such a huge plate of food in front of me.  I didn't even eat 1/4 of that.   I had about 4-5 bites of that.  At least I am a cheap date now.   The food was delicious and I tolerated everything really well.  I didn't overeat or feel miserable and that was my biggest concern.  Beautiful night.  Perfect weather.

This morning I slept in, had breakfast in bed (a fruit/yogurt plate) and watched "The Decendents".  Later, I walked on the beach before heading home.

The best news of all....as of today, I have lost 50.4 lbs.     

Week 7: OnePOINTSix pounds away

I couldn't think of a title but that sounded good.  I'm feeling better than ever in week 7.  The weight loss has slowed down a bit.  I am still 1.6 lbs away from meeting my first 50lb goal.  I see the surgeon tomorrow and I had hoped to be there by then but we'll have to see.  I really need to get my ass to the gym but it hasn't happened recently.  It seems there has been something happening every night this week (and last week, and the week before that)  BUT...I have put it ON MY CALENDAR for March 11th, and every night thereafter.  I plan to go before March 11th of course, but that is the date of the start of Daylight Savings time and if it's on my calendar, it's a lot more likely to happen.  It won't feel like getting home at Midnight if I get home at 7pm.  Yay.  I finally have a little bit more energy and am feeling better than I have previously, so I know the time has come to get serious about the excercise.

Last night was my Support Group and I was really looking forward to it.  I was a little bit disappointed though because instead of the usual fare, where people talk about their experiences, there was a surgeon there who did a power point on plastic surgery options for people who have had bariatric surgery.  I have to admit, it was very interesting to see the before/after photos and the amazing difference it can make, but now I have to wait a whole month for the next group and what I get out of that time of sharing.   I think about all the things I would like to fix after I am done losing all my weight, but plastic surgery scares me.  The recovery just looks super painful and I don't know if I could do it.  Also, I think if you fix one thing you would want to fix everything.  Still thinking about it though.  I wouldn't do anything until possibly next Summer anyway.  Have you ever seen that show, "My Strange Addicition?"  There is a woman on there so addicted to having boob jobs that she has had over 20 of them and now has 38KKK boobs!!!  She cannot hold her baby or tie her own shoes BUT she was in a car accident and they saved her life.  So, there is that.

Food continues to be challenging.  I honestly don't feel like I'm eating enough and I know I am not getting anywhere even close to the amount of protein I should be getting in a day.  I will address this tomorrow with my surgeon and see what he suggests.  I am just so disinterested in food.  Still very thirsty all the time too.  Doing better with getting the vitamins in but they still haven't started me back on the calcium and iron.  I have found a trick to get my multi vitamin in...I eat a handful of walnuts at the same time and it masks the chalkiness of the vitamins.  In fact, I eat a lot of nuts.  The Doc told me to measure out 1,000 calories of nuts and eat them throughout the day.  I don't eat anywhere near 1,000 calories, but I might eat 500 calories of nuts.  Thats a good thing because I probably only eat about 400 calories of food, if that.

More and more people are coming up to me and saying they are following the blog.  It's great to hear that.  While I write in here for me so that I can look back and see how far I've come, I also write in here for the support and the encouragement that keeps me motivated through the good times and the difficult times.  So thanks to those of you who comment and also those of you who just let me know that you read and are following along.

I've been posting a lot of pics of myself lately on Facebook.  I'm kind of getting sick of my own face, to be honest, but I have to admit that it's kind of cool to see the changes.  So thanks for indulging me a little bit and now I will leave you with this....where the hell does one find a 38KKK bra?

Week 6: FORTY-SIX pounds gone forever.

Sweet Melissa asked for a blog and so a blog she shall get.  I have actually had all good intentions to write several times this week but it seems something has been going on almost every night and by the time I sit down to write, I just don't have the energy.  But here I am now, and it made me feel very good that someone actually enjoys reading this stuff enough to ask me to post something, so thank you, Melissa!  :)

Where to begin?  Well, as my title says, I have lost a total of 46 lbs.  That bears repeating.  FORTY-SIX pounds.  Crazy.  It's hard for me to wrap my brain around that.  I had to go shopping for a new bra a week or so ago.  That was an adventure, to say the least.  I went to Macy's and asked if they measure because I wasn't really sure what size I am now.  I just knew that my current bra was getting way too big for me.  Now, I have had big boobs my entire life.  I was a 36C in 4th grade!  Even when I was thin, I've always been, shall we say, extremely well endowed.  Even so...I almost fainted when the sales woman announced that I was a size 40G!!  Yes, you read that right.  "G" as in "GOODGOLLYMISSMOLLY!!!"  She might as well have told me I was a 40W as in "WHATYOUTALKINBOUTWILLIS???"  Anyway....the sales girl was an idiot. I tried on a 40G and it was ridiculous.  NOT MY SIZE AT ALL.  I am a 42DD.  I've always said DD is more than just my initials.  :)  I'm actually looking forward to being a C cup again someday.  There are so many cute clothes that just don't look right when you have DD's.  Just sayin'.

It is actually fun to get dressed in the morning now.  I have a few things in my closet that I haven't worn for several years because they were way too tight in the waist or the boobs and now they are actually too big.  I have lost 3 sizes and soon I will have to go shopping but I've been trying to put it off as long as possible.  Those of you on Facebook know I changed my hair color, started doing my nails again and tonight I even had my teeth whitened.  It's been nice to take care of my appearance again.  It makes me sad to think I had come to a point with my weight that I just felt like no matter what I did, nothing helped.  Now, I enjoy taking care of myself.  I never want to get to a point where I feel that helpless again.

Here are some before/after face pics:

Taken in August with my two BFF's from High School

Taken in May in Cancun

Taken 12-31-11  A couple days before my surgery.

Taken today after my teeth whitening appt

Hey ya'll, I have only ONE chin!!  Pretty cool, no?

The food stuff is still challenging at times, but I try not to overthink it.  As long as I eat protein with every meal and eat what I can, then I consider it a success.  My next appointment with the surgeon is next Thursday and we will see what he says then.  For now, I feel good....and I am SOOO close to ONEDERLAND, I can taste it.

Week 5: A Work In Progress

Sometimes it seems like it can't possibly have been 5 weeks since the surgery and other times it feels like so much longer.  I have been trying to eat a few more calories this week as recommended by my Doctor, but I still feel full after only about 3 ounces.  Evidently this is normal.  An example of what I ate today:

Breakfast:  One piece of Deli Turkey, spread with one wedge of Laughing Cow cheese and wrapped around several spinach leaves and a roasted red pepper.

Lunch:  About 2-3 oz of bean soup w/turkey meat and melted cheddar.

Dinner:  1/2 boneless, skinless chicken thigh, one tablespoon of jasmine rice.

Snack:  A couple handfuls of cashews and shelled sunflower seeds throughout the day. (as recommended by my Doc to get a few more calories and protein in.

The nausea has finally subsided <-- cue the harps and the singing angels!  I finally can eat a very small meal and not feel like hell for 30 minutes afterward.  I am still having some issues with dry mouth but today I bought some Biotene Oral Rinse and it seems to help somewhat.  Overall, the problem has improved.  However, sometimes I feel like I am literally dying of thirst.  I was in the market tonight and I had to grab a bottle of water and open it before I paid because there was no way I could wait to drink something.  The Doc told me to try hard candies but I keep forgetting to buy some.  Note to self:  BUY HARD CANDIES, STUPID!

I had a couple missteps this week that I learned from:

1.  The Doc told me I could eat pita bread with hummus if I wanted.  Delightful!  Or not.  I ate one little tiny piece and then I got nervous and decided just to eat the hummus off the bread.  A short while passed and I suddenly realized that the pita bread was stuck.  It hurt like hell.  I didn't know what to do.  Poor Tim was trying to rub my back because I was in such discomfort, and it simultaneously felt good and miserable because I couldn't stand to be touched.  I knew that the pita bread was going to have to come up because it wasn't going to go down.  I was very afraid because I have not vomited at all since surgery.  Not that anyone ever wants to vomit but it's very scary after you've had this type of surgery.  Luckily, I was able to get it to come up without any fanfare and as it turns out it wasn't as scary as I thought because it wasn't coming up from my stomach.  Weird.  I thought I would feel better after, and I did for about 20 seconds, but then I felt miserable again.  I stood up to head back into the bathroom and when I did, it must have finally went down because I felt immediate relief.  That is a mistake I won't make again.

2.  Superbowl was a big day.  My Mom made a huge buffet of appetizers and food for everyone to graze on all day.  I made one very small plate of cheese, hummus, vegetables.  (That was lunch)  Later that early evening I had ONE small baby back rib, 4 pieces of bow tie pasta salad, and about a table spoon of green salad.  It took me forever to eat it.  I even had 2 tiny bites of an apple pie made w/splenda.  (I tasted the apples only)  Later, everyone kept saying how good my Dad's coffee was, so I decided to have a cup.  I didn't even think about it when I poured in the vanilla coffeemate.  Huge mistake!  Although the creamer was fat free, it was not sugar free and it made me feel awful.  I felt sick to my stomach the whole way home.  Another lesson learned.

I take an annual trip to Vegas each year with my BFF and we chose our dates today.  Early August, which means we will be poolside pretty much the whole time.  I'm excited to see what size I will be then.  My Sister is getting married in late September and going shopping for a dress might actually be fun instead of torture.

I go back to the surgeon tomorrow for more blood work and check in so he can see how I'm doing.  5 weeks in and although I am still learning how to navigate my way thru this new life, I think I might be getting the hang of it.

4 weeks

Today is February 3, 2012.  My surgery date was January 3, 2012.  One month feels like a lifetime ago.  I saw the surgeon yesterday because I was feeling nauseaus everytime I ate a meal.  I had asked to be referred back to the Nutritionist but he was worried I wasn't eating enough and they wanted to go over my blood results with me from when I was in the hospital a week or so ago due to the flu.  I was particularly struggling with getting all my calcium and iron in.  The supplements were gagging me and it was making the nausea worse when I had an empty stomach.  My mouth tasted like one big vitamin all the time.  Ugh.

Thank the Lord Baby Jesus that my wise and all knowing Doctor understands what I am going thru and said that after checking my levels, I can skip the iron for now and the calcium too.  I can take the B12 every other day because my B12 levels are actually high.  I know this will only be temporary until I can get the nausea under control but I am thrilled to have this little reprieve.  I do have to take Thiamin (sp?) which is essentially B1 but it is a pill I can swallow.  I also have to take a prescription prilosec (again in a swallowable pill form, thankfully) and a stool softener for obvious reasons of not getting enough fiber.  Ouch.  Along with all that I take two chewable multivitamins and a vitamin D.  Before the surgery I took absolutely no medications which is actually a miracle considering how heavy I was.  It is very odd to me to have this whole counter full of meds now.  I know they are essential though so I will follow Doctors orders and do as I am told.

They gave me a shot in the ass yesterday too.  It was Thiamin and it hurt like HELL.  I am a trooper when it comes to shots usually.  I previously mentioned that in the hospital I was getting shots in the stomach of Heprin every few hours.  No problem.  But that shot yesterday burned so bad.  It actually made me cry.  It burned for a long time afterward too.  No bueno.

The Doc thinks I am losing weight just a little too fast.  I've lost a total of 41 lbs.  26 of those in one month.  When you lose the weight too quickly you also lose muscle and the skin can't really have time to catch up.  For the next 4 weeks he wants me to eat some things that are a little higher in calories.  Like nuts, toast, etc.  I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around eating bread when I've been staying away from it for months.  He even said I could have pasta.  I thought that would thrill me but it scares me in a weird way.  I know it's just a mental thing because 4-5 bites of pasta (which is really all I eat) isn't going to break me but so much of the food portion is mental for me.  I have to think on this.  I definitely don't want to lose muscle and I want my skin to have time to catch up to the weight loss, so I need to keep that in mind and try to get out of my head a bit.

I changed my hair color last night.  I went back to my natural dark brown.  Love it.  It definitely suits my eyes and skin tone much better.  I recently started getting my nails done again after many years too.  It feels good to care about how I look.  For several years now I felt so bad about my body that I just really didn't give a shit sometimes.  Now, I look forward to getting dressed and seeing what will (or won't) fit.  Only this time if something doesn't fit, it's not because it's too small.  It's because it's too big.  Weird.

I had a conversation last night with someone who is a friend.  She is reading the blog and strongly considering the surgery.  I know I write a lot in here about some of my frustrations or struggles but I hope that people realize that I do not regret my decision for one second.  It is the best thing I have ever done for myself.  The results are paying off already and every day is a thrill for me when people comment or notice that I look and feel (overall) so much better.  This was major surgery and I think I have been very fortunate to have not had any major complications but it is not always easy.  As I said before though...it is definitely worth it.

For those of you who are not on my Facebook, I have been asked to post another full length photo and I'll also include one of the new hair color.  Thanks to all of you who are out there supporting me.  Have a great weekend.

Ch-ch-changes

10 days post op.  January 13, 2012

January 3, 2012  Right before going into the O.R.

40 pounds gone...

Feeling better today.  We went out to chinese food last night.  I was able to eat a few sips of won ton soup, about a teaspoon of rice, a half a prawn and one little piece of chicken.  I felt like I ate 22 lbs of food afterward but I did not feel nauseous after.  Progress!

What a gorgeous Spring-like day it was today.  The air smelled good.  The windows were open and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

I am down now a total of 40lbs.  I went for a walk with my Parents this afternoon and my mom kept commenting how she couldn't believe how much more stamina I had.   Yeah, try strapping a 40lb bag of concrete on your back and then see how far you can walk without it hurting.  I can't wait to get another 40 off to see even how much better I will feel then. 

Tim and I attended a Memorial Service today for a friend and former employer of mine from many years ago.  When getting dressed, I was having a hard time because all my pants are huge.  Even though I can still technically wear them, I feel like they make me look bigger than I am because they are so baggy in the legs and the butt.  It's strange to want to wear something more form fitting.  Before I was allllll about trying to camouflage everything.  It was nice to see a few people at the services that I don't get to see very often.  I wish it had been under a different circumstance though.  Many people mentioned that they had been following along and reading the blog and that made me feel good.  It's so nice to have this community of people cheering for me and wanting to see me succeed.  It is very motivating.

The Memorial I attended today is the second Memorial service this month.  Both of the people who have passed were only in their 40's, with so much to live for and so much life ahead of them.  Moments really are precious and time passes much too quickly.  It sounds cliche but it really is true that if we don't have our health we have nothing.  I look at my kids, my Parents, my Siblings, my Husband, my closest friend and myself.  I realize how very blessed we are.  I realize that though this process has been quite difficult and frustrating at times, this is all something that will pass.  I am not ill.  In fact, I have most likely prolonged my life by quite a few years.  I need to remember that the next time I want to complain.  

It probably won't stop me of course, but I really will remember.

Weak 3

Like my little play on words?  Week/Weak 3.  Yesterday was 3 weeks post op and I spent the evening as a guest at the Hotel Dominican Hospital Emergency Room.  Not exactly my idea of a 5 star resort and it certainly was not an enjoyable experience.  The past week or so I have really been struggling with food.  The Doctor cleared me to eat more solid food but for some reason everything I eat makes me nauseous after about 3 bites.  It's definitely been a difficult to get enough nutrition, let alone knowing I must get enough protein (first and foremost) and fiber (a must!) and now it looks like I am very low in potassium.  Ugh.  On top of feeling nauseous every time I eat, I am also disinterested because everything tastes gray to me.  Nothing has flavor.  No matter what I do.  I am sad that I get no enjoyment from food anymore.  It would be great if I actually enjoyed the 2-3 bites of food I do eat, but I don't.  The Doctor says this will pass and I suppose it will, but it currently feels like this has been going on for years instead of weeks.  If you saw how much food I have been able to consume per day you would wonder how I am able to even stand up.  I do feel weak and I don't have a lot of energy at all.  That is super disappointing because I want to be able to go to the gym and so far I've only gone once.  I just am physically depleted.

So on Monday evening my Daughter came down with the stomach flu.  She was violently throwing up (and throwing DOWN at the same time, if you know-what-I-mean) for hours.  I was in the thick of it, all hands on deck because I had no choice.  She needed my help.  Needless to say, I did NOT need the stomach flu on top of what I am already dealing with, on top of the fact that my pouch is still healing.  Tuesday, I felt like crap.  Partially exhausted, partially terrified that my stomach was in for it.  I was mentally trying to psych myself up that I was NOT going to get sick.  I called my surgeon to ask what I should do and they advised me to go to the Hospital if it started to get on an IV right away of fluid and anti-nausea meds, plus vitamin B12 if necessary.

By 7pm, I had eaten no more than 2 bites of cream of wheat, and a piece of cheese all day.  I was extremely nauseous, like head-in-a-bucket, nauseous.  Tim had to pick our son up from wrestling practice and our daughter still wasn't feeling 100% .  I called the hospital and they said to come right down as there wasn't a full waiting room and they would be able to get me right in.  Terry came to take me and I swear, the mind is a powerful thing because although I could feel the hounds of hell threatening in the back of my throat the whole ride there, I was able to keep it at bay out of sheer will.  We arrived in the ER about 7:30 and I FINALLY got into a room by 10pm.  So much for no waiting.

They stuck me in a tiny back corner on a gurney and drew the curtain.  Next to me they put a guy who is evidently a dope fiend who is a regular in the ER and was causing quite a commotion.  Meanwhile, the nurse was trying to start my IV and blew out my vein.  Great.  I just finished healing from all the bruising I sustained 3 weeks ago after getting poked constantly.  She tried the other arm and finally got a viable vein.  They started the saline and the Zophram (anti nausea) and brought me some warm blankets.  Tim arrived and relieved Terry and then we waited for the Doctor.  We waited....and waited.....and waited.  Luckily, my roommate Raul, was not successful in getting his drugs and was kicked out for making a disturbance.  The Doc came in around Midnight to review my bloodwork and said I was very low on potassium so he wanted to start an IV drip of that.  We thought the nurse would come in to get it started right away but that took another 40minutes or so and when she started the IV she said that potassium tends to burn in an IV so they put it in very slow and it was going to take at least 2 hours.  Poor Tim!  We were both so exhausted from being up all night the previous night with our Daughter and he had been up since 4:45am.  Last night he was already working on 19 hours.  I told him to just go home and set his alarm to come back around 2am.  He did but he wasn't able to sleep.  I tried to sleep a little bit but the ER isn't the quietest place and the gurney isn't exactly a Sleep Number bed.  The potassium did indeed burn going in but I tried not to think about it and handled it the best I could.  At one point I started feeling nauseous again and they gave me another dose of Zophram.  Finally got to go home around 2:30am and immediately crashed in my nice warm, comfortable bed.

Today, I haven't felt nauseous.  Just exhausted and trying to get some food in.  Ate a few bites of egg for breakfast.  A banana, raspberry, non fat milk smoothie (maybe 2 oz) for lunch.  My surgeon asked me to not drink water for now, but to make sure all my liquids have calories.  (Gatorade, milk, broth, etc)  They called in a prescription for something that I should take 20 minutes prior to eating that makes my pouch relax and take in a little more food.  Right now the goal is just to get some nutrition in me.  Stay tuned...

Weigh to go-2 weeks post op

I've still been having a bit of a rough week.  Constant dry mouth, a bit depressed (not really sure why), constipated (sorry for the TMI, but it's a definite part of this surgery), still having a hard time figuring out the eating thing and just in general kinda cranky.

Wednesday night I decided I needed to get back to some normalcy, so Terry and I went to our standing Wednesday night dinner date at a local taqueria for our usual shrimp tacos.  I knew I couldn't eat the tortilla but I figured I would be okay to eat a couple shrimp with a little cheese on top.  I ended up only being able to eat 1 and a half shrimp and it had no flavor.  I did everything I could to spice it up a little.  Salsa, lime...still blah.  I am still only able to eat about 2-3 oz of food at a time but nothing tastes like anything to me so it's frustrating.  I might as well be eating a shoe.

After I left dinner, I went to Safeway and for some reason lunchmeat honey ham sounded good to me.  I have no idea why since that isn't something I would normally buy.  I brought it home and diced up a slice.  I had one bite and then I was over it.

My first week back to work has been great.  I have been feeling physically good for the most part and other than wishing I could sleep in when it's been ungodly cold in the mornings, I've been glad to be back and I really missed my girls and my clients.

It's been 17 days today since my surgery. My incisions are completely healed and the scars are very minimal. I saw my Surgeon yesterday for my 2 week post op check and he was so happy with my progress.  It made me feel good to know I am doing everything right because sometimes it's really easy to question yourself.  I have lost a total of 35 lbs since my first visit to him in October.  20 of those pounds in the past two weeks since Surgery.  I am cleared for all normal activities now and I can eat solid foods and introduce them gradually as I can tolerate them.  I'm very excited about that and to celebrate, last night I had 4 forkfulls of meatloaf and 1 brussel sprout.  Yes, that was my big dinner.  I ate it in a tiny little bowl.  My Mom said it must seem like everyone else that eats is eating like a pig because my portions are so teeny.  It's not that I think people look like they are eating like pigs, but sometimes I look at the portions people eat and think to myself, "Wow...no wonder we, as a society are obese."  Obviously the portions I eat are not normal, and eventually I will be able to eat 1 to 1 1/2 cups of food at a time, but it really is true that American's, in general eat way bigger portions than our bodies need.

The Doc thinks my constant dry mouth is a hormonal thing that will pass.  I'm really hoping it passes soon.  It's been the absolute worst part of the whole process for me so far.

Being able to rock my new four inch heels all day and not having my feet hurt afer the first five minutes has been amazing.  Every day someone comments on how much of a difference they can already see.  Yesterday, I wore leggings for the first time and Tim could not believe how different my legs looked.

I guess putting up with a little dry mouth is worth it, don't you think?

Thirst

Kinda of a rough day today, for a variety of reasons.  It was nice to be back to work because I did miss my girls and they did a great job of handling things so I didn't come back to a huge backlog.  Getting back into a routine is going to be important but it definitely makes things much more challenging on the food front.  I took a protein drink for breakfast and I just could not choke it down.  It is so thick and it was making me nauseaus.  I know I have mentioned it before but I am so thirsty all the time and it is absolutely making me postal.  I just want to grab a gallon of water and chug it.  But..I can't. I take sips all day long, but it's like an itch I can't scratch.  I must admit it's making me grumpy.  Or...it might have something to do with the arrival of a certain monthly visitor.  Or...maybe it's the fact that I feel like I can't eat anything normal or with flavor. Or..maybe it had to do with the fact that it's going to be TWENTY FOUR degrees tonight and I have already mentioned how I am always freezing even when it's 70 degrees!!  I just kind of want to cry.  Yep...imagine that!  Here come the waterworks again.  On top of all that craptacularness, I also inadvertantly hurt the feelings of someone very, very dear to me.  Add that all up and you have a recipe for disaster.  This too shall pass and I know it will all be okay, but I'm having a moment and I just need to wake up tomorrow and try to do better.

Had a hard time meeting my protein requirements over the weekend.  Saturday, I attended a surprise party and they had a taco bar (kill me now! MY FAVORITE!!)  I had a tiny bit of beef and a tiny bit of beans.  That's it.  I felt okay about it.  Went to my Mom's and she was serving chicken enchiladas, rice, beans and homemade brownies w/walnuts (kill me again!)  At least I am never hungry so it wasn't as difficult as it sounds.  Sunday, I tried a poached egg again and it seems eggs and I are no longer friends.  Everytime I try an egg it doesn't end well.  I end up feeling really nauseaus and uncomfortable.  Same thing with anything tomato based.  I went to a Memorial Service that ran much longer than expected and we needed to get back immediately afterward so I didn't eat anything else until about 6pm.  (some pinto beans and cheese).  Not good.  Same kind of thing kind of happened today when I was unable to drink the breakfast drink, didn't eat again until 1pm when I had a couple bites of a white bean and kale soup (disgusting) and didn't eat again until about 7pm (chicken, lemon juice, salt, pepper).  No bueno.  I will be so happy when I can actually eat somewhat normal food again.  I miss flavor.  

I'm sorry that this entry is kind of negative.  As I said, I am feeling kinda grumpy and I am thinking about food and it's pissing me off.  It's not because I'm hungry.  It's just because I miss feeling normal.  You know?  I was watching "Kim and Kourtney..." last night and I swear that every single scene was them eating.  I kept pointing it out to Morgan and I am not joking it was literally every scene.  I hate that I notice stuff like that now.  I am so jealous because I want to be normal and eat a damned corned beef sandwich if I fucking feel like it!  

That being said, I KNOW this will all be worth it.  In fact, it already is.  And....I will leave you on a positive note:  Today, I bought TWO new pairs of shoes.

If The Shoe Fits...

I have no idea yet how to post pictures here so if anyone is tech savvy let me know because I already have some pretty cool before/after photos to show you.  For those of you on my Facebook you'll be able to see them there.  I am absolutely stunned at the difference 10 days has made.

Yesterday I got a great recipe thanks to my friend Melissa for a Roasted Red Bell Pepper soup.  I roasted , peeled and chopped the bell peppers for it today but I ran out of time to make it so I am going to do that tomorrow and if it turns out I will post the recipe.

I've been very thirsty the past couple days.  The first week or so I was never hungry or thirsty.  Now, I am thirsty all.the.time.  My mouth is always so dry.  I hate it.

Yesterday, I tried eating a 3 oz can of tuna, with lemon juice, salt and pepper.  I put the tuna in the magic bullet with the lemon juice to combine it and chop it up.  It was great and 18 grams of protein in that tiny can. I will probably be eating a lot of tuna as I am returning to work next week and I need something easy to eat for lunches.  I checked with my surgeon's office yesterday to find out if it was okay that I am a bit ahead of the curve on textures and whatnot and he was not concerned as long as I am tolerating it well and as long as I am making sure I get 40-60 grams of protein a day.  I have to admit, it's somewhat tough.  Today I got about 40 grams I'm guessing.  It's difficult when you aren't eating more than maybe 9 oz a day.  I try to supplement a little bit with protein drink but that stuff is so thick and makes me even more thirsty.  I have some protein powder but it's vanilla, and I am really tired of vanilla anything, so I need to get some plain tomorrow.

The big news is that tonight Terry and I went to a local bar to hear a band we love.  I actually ordered a piece of grilled tilapia and cut a very small piece off and that is what I ate.  It came with a taster of lentil soup which a dipped my spoon in and ate a tiny bit of.  I ate very, very slow.  Of course, when you eat so slow hot food is never hot anymore so that kind of sucks.  I took tiny bites of the fish and chewed it to infinity and beyond.  It didn't really sit very well.  My stomach felt like it was rumbling and I've had some gas pains tonight.  Blech.  But...I tried.  And it was nice to be out and about.

Two funny things about tonight.  Number one, when I ordered something to drink (iced tea) (way before I ordered dinner because you cannot eat and drink at the same time)  it came with a straw.  As I said before, I have been so damn thirsty that when the iced tea came I didn't even think about it and I grabbed it and took two BIG sips out of the straw.  All of a sudden I looked at Terry and panicked!  "OH NO!  I am not supposed to drink out of a straw!"  Let alone take two HUGE sips of anything!  I could feel the liquid trying to make it's way down.  Thankfully it did but it was a scary minute or two.

In better news...as we were getting dressed tonight, I went to put on my favorite shoes.  They were HUGE on me.  I looked like a little girl wearing her Mother's heels.  I could not believe it.  It's been 10 days!!  I knew this would happen eventually, but I didn't expect it to happen in 10 days.  I tried on another pair of shoes.  Same thing.  I have one pair of strappy sandals and I had to have my husband make the hole bigger on the strap so I could put it on the last one.  Excited about this development.  Gives new meaning to the term "Mama needs a new pair of shoes!"

Grieving and Support

It's kind of weird to say but I think the mental and emotional aspect of this whole process has been a grieving, of sorts.  My relationship with food is forever changed and though I didn't consider myself to have an addition or an unhealthy relationship with food before, my scale begged to differ.

The emotional waterworks somewhat subsided by the third day home from the hospital.  I think I only had one small crying jag on day three and it was after a movie (love story) with a happy ending, so I can't really be blamed.  It's been absolutely gorgeous Spring-like weather every day in January here in California and yet I continue to be cold all.of.the.time.  I spoke to an acquaintance who has had the RNY surgery and she said she was cold for about 5 months.  Crap.

My Husband took two weeks off work to take care of me and he's done a great job.  I don't really need much caring for but it's nice to have him here to drive the kids to/from school, deal with the homework and dinners for them.  I've really been able to just relax and recuperate and for that, I am very grateful.

Terry has come by almost every night after work and I honestly don't know how I could have done this without her.  There is something about her that just "gets" me and she can read my mind if I have anxiety about anything or if I just need someone to listen and truly understand what I am saying, she is my go-to person.

My Sister, Tara has checked on me every day and I miss her very much.  She used to live next door to me for many years until this past year when she moved to be with her Fiance and now lives about an hour away so I don't get to see her every day like I used to.

My Sister In Law, Yanci has truly been wonderful too, with advice, love and support.

My Mom and Dad are incredible and any Girl should be so blessed.  They just left after coming to walk with me.  The day of my surgery they sat in the hospital for more than 13 hours!  Their love and support has made this whole journey possible.  Because of them I have a chance to really change my life and lead the life I was meant for.  Words will never be able to express my gratitude.

To anyone considering any type of weight loss surgery, your support people are imperative.  This is too big an undertaking to do alone.  You need a village of people behind you every step of the way.  Some people choose to keep their surgery private.  I understand and respect that decision but for me, I told absolutely EVERYONE who would listen.  I told the mailman!  I told the grocery store clerk!  I told my kids school teachers!  I felt it was an important part of my own process to not hide any of this and to say, "Hey, I tried everything, but I needed another tool in my toolbelt."  To my amazement, I have amassed a giant additional support team of people who are cheering for me.  People who really want to come along on this journey with me and see me succeed.  It means the world to me.  On our walk the other day, my Mom and I passed an elderly couple and as they approached us on the path, the man looked at me and said, "Hi!!!!"  I said, "Hello!" and he said, "You look great!!!"  After they had passed, my Mom said, "Do you know him?"  Without missing a beat I said, "No, but he probably reads my Blog.  I might get kind of famous around here.  You might want to get used to it."  :)

I have a few challenges to face this weekend:  I am going to a dance party on Friday night at a local bar and I have decided that my Husband will order soft fish for dinner and I will have a very small piece of it and see how I do.  If not, I will hopefully be able to order a cup of soup.  Saturday, I am going to another event and I am not certain what type of food will be provided and if it will be anything I can have.  I haven't decided how to handle this yet.  Sunday, I have to atttend a Memorial Service and I will be gone from the house from about 11am-5pm and again, I have no idea about food.  I am definitely going to have to think this through.

I feel good today, on Day 8.  I have lost 13lbs since surgery and 28lbs in total over the past 3 months.  My ankles, fingers and wrists are the most noticeable, but today while we were walking, my Mom was behind me and she said, "Deana, your butt looks much smaller already!"   She didn't see me grin, but it really is the little things.

January 6th, 2012-aka:Cry Me A River

Second day home from the hospital.  Feeling no pain other than kind of like I had been kicked in the stomach.  The bruises on the back of both arms and on my stomach looked like I had been beaten with a tire iron but they weren't painful.  I developed a water filled blister above one of my incision sites from where the surgical tape had lifted and rubbed back and forth against the skin.

My Mom made some bean soup and ran it through the blender.  It tasted okay but wasn't really ringing any bells.  I just didn't really have any desire to eat and had to force myself to get out of bed to do it.  That was hard, because as I said in a previous post I am ALWAYS freezing since the surgery but I was told that I have to eat sitting up with both feet on the floor.  So everytime I need to eat or drink anything I would need to get up, put on a robe, slippers and sometimes also a blanket and sit up in a chair.  Since it takes forever to eat even 2 oz of food, all I could do is sit there and shiver and pray that I could get the food down slowly enough to not upset my stomach but fast enough that I could get back under the covers.

I was still having a very tough time emotionally. Someone could tell me the sky was blue and it would set off a Defcon Five river of tears.  I have likened this whole process to bringing home a newborn baby.  There are a lot of tears, a lot of trial and error, a lot of measuring the fluid and food intake in ounces to see how much is being consumed, some sleep disturbed nights, some hoping that peeing and pooping is happening with the correct frequency and a whole lot of guessing if you're doing everything right while settling into a new routine.  A new normal, as the title of my blog suggests.

I spoke to my Mom on Day 2 out of the hospital and she asked how I was feeling.  I said I was feeling okay but a little blue.  She said, "Why don't you try getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed, putting on some makeup and fixing your hair.  I bet that will make you feel better."   I sat there stunned for about 1.1 second before I burst into tears.  WAS SHE JOKING ME????  I ended up having to hang up because I could not stop crying.  My poor Mom.  She was only trying to help.    Better build an Ark, Noah.  These tears aren't stopping anytime soon.

Hospital Day 2 (Jan 4) and Coming Home (Jan 5)

My Sister came right after work on the same night as my surgery.  It was nice to have her there with me and I really appreciated it because she lives about an hour away from her work and the hospital was WAY out of the way for her. She and several others sent so many beautiful flowers, cards, balloons and my room smelled amazing. In the evening it was just she and Terry.  Terry stayed the night with me in the hospital that first night.  It was comforting to have someone be right there with me, even though I had the nurse call button at my fingertips.  I didn't sleep very well the first night.  I think it was something like 10pm to 1am.  After that it was a constant stream of people in and out of my room.  Someone coming to draw blood.  Someone coming to give me a shot of Heprin.  Someone coming for vitals.  Getting up to pee.  Going for a 3am stroll around the Nurses station.

The next morning, they disconnected me from the fluids but left the IV in.  I wondered how I was going to get enough fluids in orally to produce the amount of urine they were requiring of me so I could go home.  Terry had to leave around 5:30am to go to work so for the first time, I was alone.  My Husband dropped the kids at school and came about 9am.  My breakfast tray arrived and it was 3/4 c beef broth and hot tea.  After the experience I had with food and the way it made me feel the previous night, I was a little nervous.  I had a few sips of both but the broth got cold so quickly and I was very apprehensive about feeling nauseaus, but I never did.  All the rest of the meals consisted of the same thing.  Broth for lunch, Broth for dinner.  Broth for breakfast again the next day.  If I never have broth again it would be okay with me.  Whenever the nurse would come to pick up my tray, she would always comment that I hadn't eaten much.  I wondered if I was supposed to be eating more, but I didn't want to.

To be honest, the second day at the hospital was fairly uneventful, except for the fact that my left hand swelled so much that I couldn't close my hand to make a fist.  No one could figure out why, but that is the same arm where I had my IV.  Finally, they removed the port altogether and advised me to keep my hand elevated.  Slowly the swelling went down and my hand returned to normal. Tim left around 1pm and My Parents and SIL came from about 3:30-5:30.  My oldest Son, Kyle came from about 7:30 and around 9:30pm I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, so we said our goodbyes and I tried to get some sleep.  I did pretty well until the vitals and the Heprin shots started again at 1am, but I was about to get back to sleep easily after asking for some warm blankets.  I slept until about 6:30am when the vitals needed to be taken again.  Around 7:30am Dr Vierra came in.  I was out of bed and sitting in my chair, trying to drink some tea.  That's one thing I forgot to mention.  You cannot eat or drink in bed at all.  You must be sitting up with your feet planted on the floor.  It has something to do with your esophagus being straight and allowing the food/liquid to get into your pouch.  It has been a challenge for me because I am used to sitting in bed while watching TV and always having a water bottle close.  When I wanted to drink in the hospital, I needed to get completely out of bed and into a chair.  Since the surgery I have been cold.  All the time.  It was a real production to get out of bed, get a blanket and shiver there for 15 minutes while trying to get a few ounces of liquid down.  Anyway, I digress...Dr Vierra came in and chatted with me for a few minutes to see how I was doing.  He seemed satisfied with my progress and said I could go home.  Yay.  The nurse came in and asked if I wanted to take a shower.  I definitely did.  My friend and hair stylist, Melissa had warned me before I went into the hospital that I would get a severe case of "bed head".  She encouraged me to put my hair in two braids to avoid this.  Sadly, I did not listen.  My hair was definitely "bed head from hell".  To anyone reading this that is going to be having surgery soon....please take Melissa's advice.  You will be glad you did.

The nurse said I didn't need to worry about my incisions while in the shower.  Just to be careful and pat them dry afterward.  The hot water felt good to my now-always-cold body.  I dried off and was happy to put on my own pajamas and not that ugly hospital gown.  When I came out of the bathroom, Tim had arrived to take me home.  I had my first emotional break.  I cried and cried.  I really didn't know why.  I think getting up, showering, getting dressed, etc was all just very overwhelming.  We packed up my room and got a cart to take down all the flowers.  A hospital volunteer arrived with a white wheelchair for me and before I knew it we were on our hour long drive home.

The car ride seemed like 5 hours.  I reclined my seat back and tried to sleep through it but everytime we would hit a rough patch of road, I would wake up because it hurt.  I didn't want music on unless it was very quiet.  I kept asking Tim if we were almost there.

Once we arrived in the house and I got into bed, I had another meltdown.  Just could not stop crying.  It was one aspect of the surgery I was not prepared for.  Geez, I sound like a total crybaby and I'm really not.  Okay-I am .  But, usually I KNOW why I am crying.  This time I had no idea.  Everything just felt extremely overwhelming.  The shower, the car ride.  Too much in one day.  Also, I was freezing, again.

Big Day Part II

Once I arrived back into my room out of recovery, my room was filled with people.  There was a lot of love in that room and I was grateful.  My Mom, Dad, Terry, My SIL, My Husband and two of my three kids were there.  Later, there were a total of 10 people at one time. I realized later that having that many people with me was truly exhausting.  I am a girl who likes to be the life of the party and I felt like it must be so boring for everyone to surround me and watch me sleep, so I tried to talk a lot, joke, laugh, even through mostly closed eyes.  My eyelids felt like they weighed 1000lbs.  I could hear everything going on and I was responding but I could not keep my eyes open no matter how hard I tried.  I don't remember feeling any pain.  The nurses came in to get my vitals every 4 hours and gave me a shot in the stomach of Heprin every 8 hours to avoid blood clots.  The shots didn't hurt but the bruises they left are gnarly.  I have bad bruising behind both arms and on both sides of my stomach.  They were giving me morphine when I came out of surgery but it makes me itch so bad, that I asked to be changed to Toradol IV which is more like a strong aspirin.  I don't really know if there was ever any pain to speak of or if I just stayed ahead of it because I honestly don't remember pain at all other than gas type pain.  During the surgery, which they did laproscopically, they needed to fill me with air to be able to work around my organs and do what they needed to do.  That air needs to come out in the form of gas.  Unfortunately, I wasn't passing any gas so by the second day the gas pain was somewhat uncomfortable in my stomach, neck, and shoulder area.  Before the surgery, I was warned about this and told that I should try to get up and walk as soon as possible to help the gas pains dissapate.  I wasn't allowed to get up and walk until about 7:30pm the first night.  By then, I was so exhausted from the entire days events, I didn't have much energy at all.

I vividly remember my mouth being so, so dry.  I kept asking the nurse for ice chips but I wasn't allowed any. I was only allowed for my Mom to swab my mouth with a small sponge on a stick that was dipped in water.  I had been warned of this ahead of time, so I did bring some medicated lip balm with me but that didn't help the cotton mouth I felt.  After what seemed like hours, I was allowed to have one ice chip at a time.  It was like Heaven.

My first meal after surgery arrived in the hospital room around 6:30pm.  It was 3/4 c chicken broth, hot tea, strawberry jello and a lemon ice sorbet.  I was very scared that I wouldn't be able to swallow anything.  I had been told by the P.A. at my Doctor's office that sometimes your esophagus will clench up and not allow you to swallow anything down right away.  I had a very small sip of broth.  Next, I had a very small, like tip of the teaspoon sip of the ice lemon sorbet which tasted so very good to a dry, dry mouth.  I might have had 3 or 4 more sips and I was crying because I was so happy that I could actually swallow.  Then, suddenly I didn't feel too good.  Maybe I took those sips too fast.  I felt like I might vomit.  I really, really did not want to vomit.  Thankfully, I didn't.

At the same time this was all happening, the nurses started asking if I felt like I had to urinate.  I hadn't urinated since I arrived at the hospital at 5:30am and by now it was almost 7pm.  I didn't have a catheter in.  I had no desire to urinate despite the fact that they were giving me many bags of fluid thru my IV.  I tried to urinate but could go less than 100cc's.  At the same time as I was on the toilet trying to do all this, the Nurse came in trying to get me to drink a 1oz medicine cup full of Loratab (liquid vicodin).  After the experience I just had trying to swallow broth, and the fact that I felt nauseas, freezing and scared, there was no way I could get the loratab down.  Plus, I wasn't in pain.  I asked if I could have another intravenous shot of the toradol.  Next, they wanted me to walk around the nurses station.  It just wasn't a good time.  I felt like a failure.  Back to bed I went.  They came in with an ultrasound machine to scan my bladder and see how much urine was in there.  More than 500cc's.  Time for the straight catheter.  Good times.

Based on the fact that I wasn't urinating on my own the way I should, and the fact that I couldn't tolerate clear liquids as well as I should, the Doctor decided to keep me in the hospital another night.

The Big Day

My Husband drove me to my Best Friend's house so he could go back home and get the kids ready for school.  That had always been the plan, Terry would take me to the Hospital and my Parents would meet us there.  Then, Tim would come later to see me right before I went into the OR.  Since that was no longer going to be possible, we said our goodbyes in Terry's carport and Terry and I sped off into the early morning darkness.  Half way there she put the IZ/Louie Armstrong version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on the stereo.  I will never forget it.  As I said in a previous post, it was an hour to get to the hospital.  Not once, in that drive on that morning did I worry that I might not be making the right choice.  I didn't worry that I might have a complication and I didn't worry that I wouldn't achieve my goal.  I was completely at peace.  My Mom, on the other hand was a wreck.  She was very concerned for me.  She knew that this was something I wanted and she was extremely supportive, accompanying me to every Doctor's visit, the orientation and the Nutritionist.  In fact, she and my Dad even offered to pick up the out of pocket costs associated with the surgery.  But, ultimately, I am her baby and any time your baby is at any type of risk it can be a scary day for a Mom. 

 After Terry and I arrived at the hospital, I registered and shortly thereafter, my Sister In Law arrived.  In my previous post I mentioned how she couldn't sleep either and so she decided to come to the hospital to be there for me before I headed into surgery.  My Parents arrived a few minutes after that and my round one entourage was complete.  Everyone was a little bleary eyed and we all headed down the long corridor to the Short Stay Unit.  Once I checked in there, only a few minutes passed before I had to leave my entourage behind and follow a very nice Asian nurse back into the prep area.  She had me undress and wipe my entire body down w/Antibacterial wipes.  I had to put on a hospital gown opened to the back and a shower cap type thing to hold my hair back.  I also had to put on grey hospital socks with rubber bottoms.  Soon, the nurse came back in to take my vitals and start my I.V.  I have to admit that the anticipation of the I.V. was probably the worst part of the whole ordeal.  I have the WORST veins.  They are very deep and there have been times when I have been in the hospital before that they have had to poke me 5-6 times before they get a viable vein.  Thankfully, my nurse was very gentle and skilled.  She got it on the first try and the worst part was over.  My friends and family were allowed in to see me for a few minutes before I headed into the OR.  We took a few photos.  I was trying to crack jokes and lighten the mood, especially for the sake of my Mom.    Soon, the anesthesiologist came in to introduce herself and describe what her role would be and finally, Dr Vierra came in to check with me and see if I was ready.  I was.  Kisses and Hugs and I was being wheeled down the hallway and into the OR.   It was cold in there.  Always is in the OR.  I wondered if they were going to play any music during the 1-2 hour procedure.  I remember being moved from the gurney onto the Operating table and I remember absolutely nothing else until I was waking up in my own private room after being moved from recovery at 11am.